26 12 / 2012

Clothing is constantly malfunctioning  Although their primary job is to cover you, often clothes fail, and when they do, it can be embarrassing, but not the end of the world.

So last week, I went to work in my business attire, clad in a skirt, sweater, stockings and boots. After an hour or so of work, I found that my stockings had slid down a bit from my waist. I went to the bathroom, pulled them up, and continued on. The problem was exacerbated during lunch, however, when I had to walk several blocks. During the walk, my stockings didn’t just slide down a touch, they completely cleared the curvature of my ass, making their way to my thighs so that I had to hobble down the busy street with the connective piece around legs rather than my waist. I had to physically hold the stockings against my leg to ensure they didn’t fall below the hem of my skirt, which I did by applying a lot of pressure to my outer thigh with my hand. So there’s me, walking slowly but weirdly down the street, one hand glued to each leg. 

After passing a reflective window and noticing that you could see the connective piece of stocking at the base of my skirt, I stopped into Starbucks to use the bathroom, and by use the bathroom I mean pull up my stockings. I was still six blocks away from my office, and I really needed a wardrobe adjustment. But the bathroom line was too long, so what did I do? Oh that’s right, I took a seat, and in public, I pushed my stockings up from underneath my skirt. People definitely noticed. 

Fortunately I made it back to the office without any comments or chuckles from passer-biers. I don’t think anybody really noticed what was going on underneath my skirt, which is always a good thing. Upon returning to the office I headed straight to the bathroom, where I thought I solved the problem by tucking my stockings into my underwear.

Half an hour later, I was sent to the post office, 5 blocks away. I can do this, I thought, all undergarment issues solved. After a block, I felt those damn stockings slide down. To avoid them falling below my ass yet again, I walked in a very robotic fashion, so that there was little bending motion. It sufficed, but by the time I got there and back, the stockings were nearly at my knees. 

Back to the bathroom! I had to find out the problem and come up with a solution. I discovered that the lack of elastic at the waist allowed them to slip down, and in order to fix the problem, I tied some material into a knot, tightening the waist area and keeping them from sliding down. 

The knot solution worked, and I was able to walk to the 15 blocks to the train station with minimal slippage. The second I got home I ripped those stockings off and threw them in the trash. 

Ladies, and guys too, I know you’ve all been in this type of situation. While at the time I was incredibly frustrated, retelling the story to my friends brought great laughter to us all.  Although some people saw the weird stockings action I had going on, it could have been far worse, like if the stockings had fallen off completely or had it been broadcast during the Superbowl. I feel for you Janet.